Lockdown your daughters! Lockdown your sons! Lockdown your spouses! Lockdown your pets!
Miss Adventurehas finally clambered oh-so-elegantly out of that strange parallel universe she’s been inhabiting for the past couple of months (ok, she may have written most of these in a fit of predictive psychosis way back in 2019, when tear gas, rubber bullets and fire bombs were all we had to worry about – happy days!) to bring you THESE hurriedly updated, probably dangerously accurate Lockdown Lowdown predictions for the month ahead in her latest column for Hong Kong Buzz!
Another month, another hilarious horoscope! Well, maybe not hilarious, but mildly amusing. Well, maybe not mildly amusing, but may raise a weak smile. Well, maybe not a weak smile, but a WTF grimace…
DOGDAMMIT! If those gullible fools at Buzz don’t believe me, no one will… SO disrespectful to the stars!!! Next month I predict that Jupiter and a mystery blonde accomplice will come along and burn their building to the ground! TO THE GROUND!!!!!!!
1. Smash a window 2. Cave in an intruder’s skull 3. Eat it
If you’re not sure you can manage a whole one:
1. Smother it in English mustard 2. Pair it with a pickled egg 3. Pretend it’s a pork pie that’s passed its sell-by 4. Wash it down with a bottle of Absinthe
Miss Adventure is a completely made up fictional character. She was born in 2012, when New York indie Summerhill TV produced an improvised skit with rock band Motorhead at Madison Square Garden. The episode aired on Funny or Die, where it (briefly) became FoD’s ‘Highest Rated Video – All Time‘. For the past few years, ‘Miss Adventure‘ has shambled her way through regular comedy broadcasts on RTHK Radio 3. Any resemblance to Sadie Kaye is purely in your head, although they did meet once at a riot in Repulse Bay.
2016 Britain breaks from Europe 2017 Scotland breaks from Britain 2018 Northern England breaks from Britain and joins Scotland. Northern Ireland considers joining Eire, before a referendum decides that they join Scotland 2019 Wales declares itself a sovereign state. Two weeks later, North Wales declares itself a separate sovereign state to South Wales 2020 What’s left of England reverts to Wessex 2021 Cornwall revolts and declares independence from Wessex. Devon and Somerset follow. Jacob Rees-Mogg proclaims himself King of Somerset 2022 London’s Eurocrats declare London a province of France and the former Capital becomes known as Northern North France. Hackney revolts and joins Syria 2023 The Prime Minister declares Winchester the Capital of Wessex 2024 Scotland invades Wessex and Glaswegian becomes all former Britons’ mother tongue
My predictions for the US: 2016 Trump triumphs and is declared the most powerful man on earth 2017 California revolts and declares itself Greater Mexico. Meanwhile, New York joins Canada 2019 Florida declares itself a province of Cuba 2020 Sarah Palin declares Alaska a province of neighboring Russia 2020 Trump is declared the most powerful man in his bathroom
The Entire Democratic World: 2020 Teenagers, realizing Democracy is in crisis, declare their bedrooms independent sovereign states of which they are the sovereigns 2025 We must carry a passport at all times, just to move from room to room in our own homes
Democracy. It’s a wonderful thing. We must never lose it. What would Kim Jong-un have to laugh at then?
Thanks to Trump, Kim’s ratings have never been higher!
