Yuck! Just ate some potpourri mistaking it for fruit chips! I thought only my ass was perfumed. Now it’s my mouth, too.
Another month, another hilarious horoscope! Well, maybe not hilarious, but mildly amusing. Well, maybe not mildly amusing, but may raise a weak smile. Well, maybe not a weak smile, but a WTF grimace…
Following a failed bid for Greenland…
My parents may be getting on a bit, but that’s still no excuse for just how badly tonight’s phone conversation went…
Them: How are you feeling?
Them: About the protests?
Me: No, about Jeffrey Epstein’s cat. COURSE about the protests.
Them: What’s the worse that could happen?
Me: Are you serious??
Them: The PLA will march in and Hong Kong will become the New Shanghai!
Me: I think you’re missing the point.
Them: Lots of people love Shanghai!
Me: Yeah, Mainlanders.
Them: No, Hongkongers move there, too! They love it!
Me: Well, if Hong Kong’s the New Shanghai, there’d be no point moving to Old Shanghai, would there? Might as well stay put.
Them: You said 15 years ago that you’d like to live in Shang.
Me: No, I said I’d like to live in THE Shang, as in Shangri-La, as in hotel, as in harbor view, as in Hong Kong, as in not in Sai Kung.
Them: Wouldn’t the protests put you off?
Me: Look, I’ve gotta go. Dog…hair…house…pants on fire.
Them: Ok, have a lovely evening!
And they call themselves Liberals.
I’ve had a quick look at the weather forecast and it seems no amount of water cannoning by the Chinese army/ Hong Kong Police/ Chinese army dressed up as Hong Kong Police/ Hong Kong Police dressed up as Protesters/ Protesters dressed up as Foreign Journalists/ Foreign Journalists dressed up as Bruce Lee Tribute Acts can compete with what Mother Nature has in store for us this week…
Even more of a dampener, every 7-11 in Hong Kong has sold out of umbrellas.
A last chance to appreciate the very great honor of having been ranked #1 for Comedy in Hong Kong by ReverbNation for the past 5 years.
Maybe it was my bipolar that caused me to do it? Maybe it was the mood of collective irresponsibility that’s been sweeping Hong Kong? But I did it anyway. After receiving one (of nineteen) too many daily emails inviting me to pay USD$92 to submit my ‘music’ to the Online Farmsounds Music Festival, I snapped and deleted my ReverbNation account.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” ReverbNation counseled me. “Yes”
“Do you understand that if you do this, you won’t be able to recover your account?” ReverbNation cautioned me. “Yes”
“Do you understand that if you do this, all your stats, ratings and links will automatically expire?” ReverbNation warned me. “Yes”
“Did you know that you are ranked #1 for Comedy in Hong Kong?” ReverbNation changed tack, clearly alarmed by my unwavering determination to commit social media suicide. “Yes”
“Have you remembered to take your meds today?” ReverbNation reverted to doom-mongering concern. “Yes. Yes! YES!!!” I tapped manically.
It was only after purging my mac of every notification I had ever received from ReverbNation that I discovered I had also deleted 14,498 faithful followers: exciting, contemporary bands with names like #BatShitMetalFreak and #IPlayTunesOnSpoons. I wondered what they were doing. Probably applying to the Online Farmsounds Music Festival, I decided. Feeling inexplicably left out, I googled the Online Farmsounds Music Festival. They were only interested in country music. I didn’t much rate #BatShitMetalFreak’s or #IPlayTunesOnSpoons’ chances. Maybe it was worth paying the USD$92 to see if they fancied a Hong Kong horoscope?
14,498 faithful followers deleted. I felt a flicker of self-doubt. Had I remembered to take my meds today? I doubted that, too. At least I still had my Soundcloud fanbase. I logged into Soundcloud. 22 unfaithful followers stared back at me. 4 friends, 1 ex-stalker, 1 ex-mother-in-law, 14 randoms, my psychiatrist and The Dog.
To add pain to my punishment, I then had to manually delete 11,000 (out of 11,001) thrilling tweets automatically generated by ReverbNation documenting my historical radio slots, then every post I had ever not posted myself on the Miss Adventure Facebook Page, which was all of them.
Looking at my empty social media profiles, my index finger throbbing and badly deformed by repetitive strain injury, I felt naked, exposed, vulnerable. Out of morbid curiosity, I checked how many other comedy producers I’d out-ranked on ReverbNation for the past 5 years were based in Hong Kong. There was only one: SadiK aye, who’d never uploaded anything and couldn’t even be bothered to spell her own name, but ReverbNation had outrageously credited as “Lead Vocalist – Miss Adventure Band”.
10 minutes and 3 mood swings later, I felt a deep sense of peace.
That terrifying moment when you’re looking for an adult, then realize you are one…
It’s both gratifying and petrifying that I very nearly predicted this one right! Penned the day before the 2016 UK referendumb and way before Trump took a dump on the world stage. There’s a lesson here…
Be careful what you don’t wish for!
Ahh, that’s it.
Hong Kong Protests: At least now most people know we are in #China, not #Japan. #Silver Lining of the Day
So, Fake News may have had its ‘Brexit Day’ broadcast date rescheduled thrice, thanks to chaos in Westminster, but you can still feast your ears on the Fake News theme! Composed by the incredible Nick Samuel, an artist and a gentleman. It’s been a 3 year labour of love/ hate (mainly hate). But the wait could be nearly over.
FAKE NEWS THEME