If you live in Hong Kong and want to see your new Birkin bag sprayed with graffiti, then freed into the stinky dead harbor to see if it can swim, you may want to invest in one of these… 

Birkin Flag Bag.jpeg

ONLY USD$125,000! HURRY, WHILE STOCKS LAST!!!

#FREE MY BIRKIN BAG!

My parents may be getting on a bit, but that’s still no excuse for just how badly tonight’s phone conversation went…

Them: How are you feeling?

Me: Shit.

Them: About the protests?

Me: No, about Jeffrey Epstein’s cat. COURSE about the protests.

Them: What’s the worse that could happen?

Me: Are you serious??

Them: The PLA will march in and Hong Kong will become the New Shanghai!

Me: I think you’re missing the point.

Them: Lots of people love Shanghai!

Me: Yeah, Mainlanders.

Them: No, Hongkongers move there, too! They love it!

Me: Well, if Hong Kong’s the New Shanghai, there’d be no point moving to Old Shanghai, would there? Might as well stay put.

Them: You said 15 years ago that you’d like to live in Shang.

Me: No, I said I’d like to live in THE Shang, as in Shangri-La, as in hotel, as in harbor view, as in Hong Kong, as in not in Sai Kung.

Them: Wouldn’t the protests put you off?

Me: Look, I’ve gotta go. Dog…hair…house…pants on fire.

Them: Ok, have a lovely evening!

And they call themselves Liberals.

Let's Pretend None of This Ever Happened..
I am trying…

I’ve had a quick look at the weather forecast and it seems no amount of water cannoning by the Chinese army/ Hong Kong Police/ Chinese army dressed up as Hong Kong Police/ Hong Kong Police dressed up as Protesters/ Protesters dressed up as Foreign Journalists/ Foreign Journalists dressed up as Bruce Lee Tribute Acts can compete with what Mother Nature has in store for us this week…

Weather

Even more of a dampener, every 7-11 in Hong Kong has sold out of umbrellas.

There’s been very little to make light of in Hong Kong this week. Did I really write Planes, Trains & Climate Change only a week ago, boasting of how a peaceful sit in protest at the airport had not disrupted any flights? Had I really spent much of the past year writing a comedy kids’ book called Hong Kong Has Gone!? You couldn’t make it up! Well, unfortunately, I did. Another writing project consigned to my cluttered desktop folder of Accidentally Inappropriate Doomed Self-Fulfilling Prophecies. But my helper did achieve the impossible this morning, and raise a small smile, when I saw that she had moved this rather spartan, typhoon-ravaged pot plant around (unwittingly, I think, as a devout Christian) to face like this…

Phalictus Plant.jpeg

What do you see? Or is it just me?

HK

Hong Kong Closed

Edge of The Abyss
Hong Kong: Mind The Abyss

It’s hard to predict what tomorrow’s “something new” announcement by Beijing could bring, but we could have a smarter dressed, slightly more militarized version of Neighborhood Watch in Hong Kong.

Neighborhood Watch

Today in Hong Kong it was 9 degrees hotter than it was in London and thousands of people staged a peaceful sit in protest inside Asia’s busiest airport. Number of planes that did not take off on time: zero.

Meanwhile in the UK… planes and trains have melted, combusted or ground to a precautionary health and safety standstill with passengers trapped on board or stranded by the apocalyptic chaos. Sky News broadcasting blanket coverage of London burning. Close ups of Londoners resembling sweaty extras on The Walking Dead complaining of missed connections, hot burning sensations, melted shoes, suspicious smells suggesting exploded sewage systems, screaming kids and snotty faces. Let’s hope those 20,000 extra bobbies Bojo’s pledged will be put to immediate good use, precision trained in the art of handing out water, sunscreen and pro-Bojo flyers that can be easily adapted into paper hats, fans and planes that take off on time.