The week in pictures…

ATM
Trying to find an ATM that works in Hong Kong is turning into a nightly drama…
MTR
…Or you could walk home?

2019. Half the world is setting it on fire. The other half is putting it out.

I woke up this morning and it felt like a reboot of April 1st. Now Boris Johnson’s ‘where there’s a willy, there’s a way’ Brexit strategy looks likely to pay off and a 43 year old tree surgeon has just climbed Big Ben confirming the official date change…

Gobsmacked to have been awarded International Broadcaster of The Year by the National Independent Film Association (NIFA), USA. Other recipients include Tom Sizemore, Sean Connery and… no, I am not making this shit up!!! Check out the Film Forte! Thanks NIFA! ❤ ❤ ❤ 

“I deny denying my denial. I deny it. I deny denying it. I deny denying that I denied it. My denial is undeniable. WE WILL BE LEAVING THE EU ON OCTOBER 31 – DO OR DENY!!!” #BorisJohnson #Brexit

Unfuck The World

I may be tempted to think proroguing parliament was a bold strategic move if those responsible for it were not hell-bent on denying it had anything at all to do with Brexit. Takes the credit right out of it!

All This For What?

If you live in Hong Kong and want to see your new Birkin bag sprayed with graffiti, then freed into the stinky dead harbor to see if it can swim, you may want to invest in one of these… 

Birkin Flag Bag.jpeg

ONLY USD$125,000! HURRY, WHILE STOCKS LAST!!!

#FREE MY BIRKIN BAG!

My parents may be getting on a bit, but that’s still no excuse for just how badly tonight’s phone conversation went…

Them: How are you feeling?

Me: Shit.

Them: About the protests?

Me: No, about Jeffrey Epstein’s cat. COURSE about the protests.

Them: What’s the worse that could happen?

Me: Are you serious??

Them: The PLA will march in and Hong Kong will become the New Shanghai!

Me: I think you’re missing the point.

Them: Lots of people love Shanghai!

Me: Yeah, Mainlanders.

Them: No, Hongkongers move there, too! They love it!

Me: Well, if Hong Kong’s the New Shanghai, there’d be no point moving to Old Shanghai, would there? Might as well stay put.

Them: You said 15 years ago that you’d like to live in Shang.

Me: No, I said I’d like to live in THE Shang, as in Shangri-La, as in hotel, as in harbor view, as in Hong Kong, as in not in Sai Kung.

Them: Wouldn’t the protests put you off?

Me: Look, I’ve gotta go. Dog…hair…house…pants on fire.

Them: Ok, have a lovely evening!

And they call themselves Liberals.

Let's Pretend None of This Ever Happened..
I am trying…

I’ve had a quick look at the weather forecast and it seems no amount of water cannoning by the Chinese army/ Hong Kong Police/ Chinese army dressed up as Hong Kong Police/ Hong Kong Police dressed up as Protesters/ Protesters dressed up as Foreign Journalists/ Foreign Journalists dressed up as Bruce Lee Tribute Acts can compete with what Mother Nature has in store for us this week…

Weather

Even more of a dampener, every 7-11 in Hong Kong has sold out of umbrellas.

There’s been very little to make light of in Hong Kong this week. Did I really write Planes, Trains & Climate Change only a week ago, boasting of how a peaceful sit in protest at the airport had not disrupted any flights? Had I really spent much of the past year writing a comedy kids’ book called Hong Kong Has Gone!? You couldn’t make it up! Well, unfortunately, I did. Another writing project consigned to my cluttered desktop folder of Accidentally Inappropriate Doomed Self-Fulfilling Prophecies. But my helper did achieve the impossible this morning, and raise a small smile, when I saw that she had moved this rather spartan, typhoon-ravaged pot plant around (unwittingly, I think, as a devout Christian) to face like this…

Phalictus Plant.jpeg

What do you see? Or is it just me?

A last chance to appreciate the very great honor of having been ranked #1 for Comedy in Hong Kong by ReverbNation for the past 5 years.

ranked-1-for-comedy-on-reverbnation-1.jpeg

Maybe it was my bipolar that caused me to do it? Maybe it was the mood of collective irresponsibility that’s been sweeping Hong Kong? But I did it anyway. After receiving one (of nineteen) too many daily emails inviting me to pay USD$92 to submit my ‘music’ to the Online Farmsounds Music Festival, I snapped and deleted my ReverbNation account.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” ReverbNation counseled me. “Yes”

“Do you understand that if you do this, you won’t be able to recover your account?” ReverbNation cautioned me. “Yes”

“Do you understand that if you do this, all your stats, ratings and links will automatically expire?” ReverbNation warned me. “Yes”

“Did you know that you are ranked #1 for Comedy in Hong Kong?” ReverbNation changed tack, clearly alarmed by my unwavering determination to commit social media suicide. “Yes”

“Have you remembered to take your meds today?” ReverbNation reverted to doom-mongering concern. “Yes. Yes! YES!!!” I tapped manically.

It was only after purging my mac of every notification I had ever received from ReverbNation that I discovered I had also deleted 14,498 faithful followers: exciting, contemporary bands with names like #BatShitMetalFreak and #IPlayTunesOnSpoons. I wondered what they were doing. Probably applying to the Online Farmsounds Music Festival, I decided. Feeling inexplicably left out, I googled the Online Farmsounds Music Festival. They were only interested in country music. I didn’t much rate #BatShitMetalFreak’s or #IPlayTunesOnSpoons’ chances. Maybe it was worth paying the USD$92 to see if they fancied a Hong Kong horoscope?

14,498 faithful followers deleted. I felt a flicker of self-doubt. Had I remembered to take my meds today? I doubted that, too. At least I still had my Soundcloud fanbase. I logged into Soundcloud. 22 unfaithful followers stared back at me. 4 friends, 1 ex-stalker, 1 ex-mother-in-law, 14 randoms, my psychiatrist and The Dog.

To add pain to my punishment, I then had to manually delete 11,000 (out of 11,001) thrilling tweets automatically generated by ReverbNation documenting my historical radio slots, then every post I had ever not posted myself on the Miss Adventure Facebook Page, which was all of them.

Looking at my empty social media profiles, my index finger throbbing and badly deformed by repetitive strain injury, I felt naked, exposed, vulnerable. Out of morbid curiosity, I checked how many other comedy producers I’d out-ranked on ReverbNation for the past 5 years were based in Hong Kong. There was only one: SadiK aye, who’d never uploaded anything and couldn’t even be bothered to spell her own name, but ReverbNation had outrageously credited as “Lead Vocalist – Miss Adventure Band”.

10 minutes and 3 mood swings later, I felt a deep sense of peace.

Reverbnation-logo

That terrifying moment when you’re looking for an adult, then realize you are one…

Inappropriate Adult
Inappropriate Adult
Stay Weird
Like I have a choice…